Neil has a very creative/vivid dream life (thank you morphine and lorazapan). He lately he has been having a series of on going dreams and hallucinations about heaven.
The other night he dreamt he visited heaven on a one day pass. There are 3 parts to this dream. Part I, Yiddish Land; Part 2, Me, Me Me; Part 3, The Reality Show.
When Neil arrived in heaven there was no one to greet him and no fanfare; he wandered around until he noticed that there were signs for different ethnic areas. He naturally headed for Yiddish Land, which was huge. As in the other ethnic areas, there was plenty of hot fresh food arranged on a table the size of a football field. He spotted giant bowls of chicken fat along side platters of fresh breads challah, pumpernickle and rye. Next to that was the gribenas (fried chicken fat). Of course there were other healthy delicacies such as kishkas, pickled tongue, chopped liver etc. He noticed with interest that there was no buying, selling or money involved . After helping himself to a few snacks, he saw a building in the distance that looked interesting and was marked with the letters MMM. The only people comingin and out seemed to be much better dressed than the rest of the crowd. He hopped on a segway, although there were many modes of transport.. golf carts, old trolley cars, all availabe at no cost. He arrived at the MMM building having no idea what to expect, but his curiosity was aroused. It turned out to be some sort of a formal social/country club facility, with well dresseed people sitting around smoking cigars and drinking fancy beverages; he took a seat in the corner, observed and listened.
His excitement was quickly dimished after thinking that heaven might not be so bad. Although money was not used in heaven and purchases could not be made, the MMM club was the place to go to brag about former possessions. Many former materalists and braggarts were represented. Here are some of the conversations Neil heard as he wandered around the huge building:
"Me, I had a house with 6 bedrooms and 6 baths and two Cadillacs all at the same time.Me, I had all my suits custom made in Hong Kong as I traveled the world. Me I had three homes, a summer home, a winter palace and a ski chalet." Others were vying with each other to determind whose kids went to the most expensive colleges.
Disappointed, he left the building hearing more " me, me, me's" talking about their possessions. He decided this place was not for him and left. He hopped on an available golf cart. He saw another building where he thougth he discerned laughter. He hopped off the golf card and knocked on the door, overwhelmmed by the odor of cigar smoke that came wafting through the building. This building had a sign on the door that said "The Reality Show".
Neil knocked on the door and an eldery, bearded rabbi opened it; Neil asked what was going on..and the rabbi replied, "Come on in boychick and see for yourself,but you look too young; most of our members are over 80 and all former clergy of one religion or another. This is a place where former rabbi's and religious scholars meet. We are tired of discussing the holy books so we use this place for entertainment."
Along the wall s I noticed large, flat screen TV's and people with 3D glasses and binoculars. The learned men explained between laughter that they were peeking in at the lives of people around the world as they went about their daily affairs.. "Notice how many of them scurry about seeking meaning and trying to figure out what life is all about and worring about the meaning of life and death", he candidly told Neil with a rye twinkle in his eye. Neil responded that he thought his was a mean spirited thing to be doing. The holy men laughed.
"You do not understand", replied the holy man; "People are going around looking outside themselves for meaning that they can never find. They do not know that th only true meaing lies within themselves. True meaning may even be different for each person; it is not something someone else can find for you, although (they chuckeld) , we did make a good living trying to help them find it."
Hardly able to breathe because of the cigar smoke, Neil rushed to the door, hopped on his segway and headed for the exit. The more he thought about what he had heard from the learned men, the more he was determined not to go back for a second visit.
On the other hand between the food, Yiddish Land and the Reality Show maybe heaven would not be so bad after all.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
GIVING THANKS
Neil’s spirit was very much with us at this, our first Thanksgiving without him. Marla Joel and I brainstormed on how best to honor Neil’s memory on this day. Most of the ideas revolved around charity/Hospcie/Giggle Fund. . It suddenly became clear to me how to best honor Neil. Yiddish was the language of Neil's heart.. A language I have long shunned as “old fashioned”. The language our parents spoke when they did not want us to understand them. Our four grandchildren will have their first Yiddish lesson. This is how we will honor Neil today.
I perused our bookshelves studying Neil’s extensive library, noting how much the books we collect tell about who we are and what we value. I choose a book called Essential Yiddish and proceeded to select the words that our grandchildren would learn this day, 10 words to start. I left the task of how to teach these words to Joel and Marla, both very creative teachers. Marla suggested each child make a book, with one word on each page to be illustrated by them. I liked that idea, and we will do that.
Joel embellished on the plan, by gathering the kids around us , asking one of them to bring him a glass of vassar (water) while telling them that we are all mispochcha (family). He wove a tale using the Yiddish words on the list. The kids were encouraged to guess the meaning. This was followed by review games, the final review game was for the kids to create and perform a skit using each of the words. They met the challenge and entertained us with their “creativity.” I will continue to send new lists of words and Yiddish expressions via email. It will be Joel and Marla’s task to teach them to their children. L” dor v dor.
Hopefully in our own small way the Rudin/Gluck family will keep a bit of Yiddishkeit alive. Neil would be
so pleased.
As I sat at the Thanksgiving table in Marla and Mike’s lovely home, I took in the faces gathered at the table. Lynn, Mike’s mother, my much loved friend, sat to my right and Michael on my left and all around me other beautiful shinning faces. Jordan, almost six, asked each of us to participate in her school projeclt. We were to write our answer to this sentence: I am thankful for………..
We willingly complied. After completing the task we each read the responses that ranged from:
I am thankful for my good looks to I am thankful for my family. But it was Jordan’s response that won my heart. “I AM THIANKFUL FOR THE WORLD AND EVERYTHING THAT’S IN IT.” It does not get more inclusive than that. Me too, Jordan, me too.
Thank you Neil for the gift of the family we have created together. We each mourn you in our own idiosyncratic way and at our own pace, but as Zack so well stated, we each have a piece of your heart in ours. And there it will stay. You live in us and in the faces of our grandchildren. You are so alive in us, my sweet boy.
Cheryl
Novemeber, 2011
I perused our bookshelves studying Neil’s extensive library, noting how much the books we collect tell about who we are and what we value. I choose a book called Essential Yiddish and proceeded to select the words that our grandchildren would learn this day, 10 words to start. I left the task of how to teach these words to Joel and Marla, both very creative teachers. Marla suggested each child make a book, with one word on each page to be illustrated by them. I liked that idea, and we will do that.
Joel embellished on the plan, by gathering the kids around us , asking one of them to bring him a glass of vassar (water) while telling them that we are all mispochcha (family). He wove a tale using the Yiddish words on the list. The kids were encouraged to guess the meaning. This was followed by review games, the final review game was for the kids to create and perform a skit using each of the words. They met the challenge and entertained us with their “creativity.” I will continue to send new lists of words and Yiddish expressions via email. It will be Joel and Marla’s task to teach them to their children. L” dor v dor.
Hopefully in our own small way the Rudin/Gluck family will keep a bit of Yiddishkeit alive. Neil would be
so pleased.
As I sat at the Thanksgiving table in Marla and Mike’s lovely home, I took in the faces gathered at the table. Lynn, Mike’s mother, my much loved friend, sat to my right and Michael on my left and all around me other beautiful shinning faces. Jordan, almost six, asked each of us to participate in her school projeclt. We were to write our answer to this sentence: I am thankful for………..
We willingly complied. After completing the task we each read the responses that ranged from:
I am thankful for my good looks to I am thankful for my family. But it was Jordan’s response that won my heart. “I AM THIANKFUL FOR THE WORLD AND EVERYTHING THAT’S IN IT.” It does not get more inclusive than that. Me too, Jordan, me too.
Thank you Neil for the gift of the family we have created together. We each mourn you in our own idiosyncratic way and at our own pace, but as Zack so well stated, we each have a piece of your heart in ours. And there it will stay. You live in us and in the faces of our grandchildren. You are so alive in us, my sweet boy.
Cheryl
Novemeber, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
THE GIFT, November, 2011
Last night I had the pleasure of having Zachary Samuel Gluck, our 7 year old, firstt born grandchild, spend the night. From an early age it was clear to us that Zack was precocious. At the age of four, he began to ask me math questions that sent me scurrying for answers.
It was also at that age that he started to talk to me about God. “How do you know about God?“ I asked.
“Oh It is something I have always known”, he quietly replied. Zack is an old soul.
Before bedtime, we played some games. After clobbering me in Connect Four, I realized I was out of my league. He is able to think several moves ahead and approaches the game with a well thought out strategy.
I, on the other hand, fly by the seat of my pants. I decided to teach him how to play gin rummy,
feeling on much safer ground ,as I have played gin for many years and have some card sense. Perhaps it was
beginner’s luck, but after loosing three games of gin rummy, I suggest that we read together, thinking reading would be much gentler on my bruised ego. However, not having been in my condo for a year, I did not have many age appropriate books. I did find our wedding album on the shelf, June 23, 1966, clearly written the album's cover
This would it be a good opportunity to introduce him to his great grandparents and his great, great grandparents. He carefully examined all of the photos and asked who the two teenagers were. "That’s your Aunt Brenda and Uncle Frank", I told him. Brenda and Frank are my younger brother and sister, who were 15 and 16 at our wedding.. “Wow”! he exclaimed., “ I never would have never recognized them.”
After going through all of the pictures, I closed the album, and it was then that he asked me a question I was not prepared to answer. "Do you know where Pop (Neil) went when he died”? , he asked me.
I hesitated, and then fortunately had the wisdom to ask him what he thought.
“ Well, he said, I have been thinking about this all week, and the answer became obvious to me.
When Pop died, his heart broke into a million pieces and everyone he knew got a piece of his heart.”
Now it was my turn to say “ Wow! “
We do all have a piece of Neil inside of us. When friends came to visit, he would often take their hand
and hold it over his heart and say, “ I am imprinting you on my heart, so that I will have you with me wherever I am going, but maybe what he was really doing was making a list of who would receive a piece of his heart.
As long as we live, he will too.
Zachary, thank you for the gift you gave to both Pop and me this morning.
Your words made me cry happy tears. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me.
Bubbie /Cheryl
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Afterwards
I have a new title. One I did not ask for but none the less, was thrust upon me. Widow..... The taste is bitter as it rolls off my tongue.
Neil spent the last 4 months of his life in bed, but being who he was, he made the best of it. Our days were filled with joyous company. People came from in and out of town. His good friend, Natalie, came and read to him in Yiddish. Evenings were spent with me reading from his favorite writers. Once his father, who died many years ago, stopped by to listen in. Neil saw him clearly and was thrilled by his visit.
Thank you to all of you who came and filled our days with fun and laughter. It brought the outside world in and it was a gift we can never repay.
We never expected Neil would loose his mind; he was his mind, but on Sunday Oct 16 the unthinkable happened. He took leave of his senses and for me that was the day he died. He was no longer the Neil I knew. My best guess would be vascular dementia. He was in bed for so long and had no circulation, but the cause does not matter, living with the result was the issue. I would have not survived without Hospice.They moved him into a Hospice House, where he stayed for 2 weeks. I slept there every night except for the night he died, 11/1/11. I think that day was chosen for him because he was truly one of kind.I do not want him to “rest” in peace. I want him to soar and play and be embraced by the parents and grandparents he so cherished.
Shiva was filled with love, laughter and good memories and wonderful stories. Michael Strausz, our nephew spoke lovingly about his Uncle Nei and talked about how he l influenced his career choice. Michael is a professor because of Neil, and he wears Neil’s regalia with pride. Neil knew this and it gave him great pleasure. He and Neil had long talks together about academia.
On Monday Nov 7, Jordan, our soon to be 6 yr old grand daughter got up early and hopped into bed with me for a snuggle and some girl talk. We talked about her love for horses. I remembered how much Neil used to love taking our children on mystery trips so I told Jordan that we would be going on a mystery trip t later that afternoon. This would be an early birthday gift for her sixth birthday.We arrived at the horse back riding farm with my sister, Joel and Deb, Marla and Mike and all 4 grand children. It was an incredibly beautiful day, the air filled with the smells and sights of fall. As we got out of the car, we were greeted by Al the owner of the farm.Al, because of advanced MS, was in a power wheelchair, a chair that enabled him to traverse the farm. He told me his wife was a saint. She takes such good care of him. He was full of jokes, his smile punctuated by laughter. He laughed the hardest at his own jokes.“Life is short,” he told us, “we need to laugh more.”We nodded our heads in silent agreement.“You must love horses very much”, someone responded.Much to our surprise Al said “No, I wouldn’t care if I never saw another horse again in my life, but my wife loves horses and I love my wife.”
Ahhhhh, I thought, Al had discovered the secret to a happy marriage: Love your partner more than yourself.
I was familiar with that logic because I had experienced that kind of love.Lucky me. Lucky Al.
Cheryl
Saturday, October 29, 2011
The Journey, Oct 28, 2011
Our journey with ALS has been long and hard. ALS has lived up to its reputation.
I have, by choicem been immersed in silence for several days.
I sat, watched the lake and breathed in and out. It was my first time alone in the house in a long time. I have had a health care worker here everyday for the last 5 months. My space has not been my own.
Yesterday I woke up and realized it was Friday and I felt a need for community.. I yearned for shabbas dinner with friends. I needed to hear the words of the prayers to wash over and soothe me. I also craved a big bowl of Kathy Gordon's delicious lentil soup. She makes a vat each fall and brings me enough for several meals. I make it too, but it is never as good as hers. Unfortunately she lives in Buffalo, so I could only taste it in my imagination.
At 9 am Friday morning, I phoned my angel team and invited them to dine with me at Hospice House. Fortunately 10 people were available to honored my request. Veg Catering Service did the rest.
We gathered first in Neil's room to light candles. As we encircled him and blessed him, I could see
the love/sadness reflected in everyone's face. It mirrored the feelings of my heart.
After the candles were lit, we adjourned to a private dinning room, said kiddish over the wine, blessed the challah (which Lori and Steve Steinlauf made, their first attempt ever, a work of art and delicious)! As we sung the blessing over the challah, we held the hand of the person on either side of us so that our circle of blessing and love physically connected us. An electric current of love went through me as we created this circle of holiness.
We had a sumptuous feast. Baba ginoush, humous, toubelh, spanakipta... etc. Neil's favorite foods; he would have loved this gathering, this gathering to honor him and bless him on his journey home.
Thank you Angel Team, although I realize not all of you could come at the last minute, in so many other ways you have enriched our lives and made our journey so much more bearable. You allowed Neil an audience and let him entertain you. You listened to his stories, his jokes. He so looked forward to your visits and the milkshake brigade delighted and nourished him.. The gift of your presence made our house a holy place.
A few days before it was decided that it would be in Neil's best interest to be in a state of sleep, he said to me quietly one morning, " I see your mother floating above you.." She came to comfort you, he said..
Thank you Mom, you knew I needed you and you came. Sorry I could not could not see you, I would have liked that. I miss you. Please take care of Neil for me until I get there.
Cheryl
I have, by choicem been immersed in silence for several days.
I sat, watched the lake and breathed in and out. It was my first time alone in the house in a long time. I have had a health care worker here everyday for the last 5 months. My space has not been my own.
Yesterday I woke up and realized it was Friday and I felt a need for community.. I yearned for shabbas dinner with friends. I needed to hear the words of the prayers to wash over and soothe me. I also craved a big bowl of Kathy Gordon's delicious lentil soup. She makes a vat each fall and brings me enough for several meals. I make it too, but it is never as good as hers. Unfortunately she lives in Buffalo, so I could only taste it in my imagination.
At 9 am Friday morning, I phoned my angel team and invited them to dine with me at Hospice House. Fortunately 10 people were available to honored my request. Veg Catering Service did the rest.
We gathered first in Neil's room to light candles. As we encircled him and blessed him, I could see
the love/sadness reflected in everyone's face. It mirrored the feelings of my heart.
After the candles were lit, we adjourned to a private dinning room, said kiddish over the wine, blessed the challah (which Lori and Steve Steinlauf made, their first attempt ever, a work of art and delicious)! As we sung the blessing over the challah, we held the hand of the person on either side of us so that our circle of blessing and love physically connected us. An electric current of love went through me as we created this circle of holiness.
We had a sumptuous feast. Baba ginoush, humous, toubelh, spanakipta... etc. Neil's favorite foods; he would have loved this gathering, this gathering to honor him and bless him on his journey home.
Thank you Angel Team, although I realize not all of you could come at the last minute, in so many other ways you have enriched our lives and made our journey so much more bearable. You allowed Neil an audience and let him entertain you. You listened to his stories, his jokes. He so looked forward to your visits and the milkshake brigade delighted and nourished him.. The gift of your presence made our house a holy place.
A few days before it was decided that it would be in Neil's best interest to be in a state of sleep, he said to me quietly one morning, " I see your mother floating above you.." She came to comfort you, he said..
Thank you Mom, you knew I needed you and you came. Sorry I could not could not see you, I would have liked that. I miss you. Please take care of Neil for me until I get there.
Cheryl
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Oct 26,2011
Leaving the dark, quiet tranquility of the hospice house this morning, I venture outside into the blazing sunshine. Birds are singing the sky is the bluest of blue; hard to imagine there is anything wrong in the world on the day like this.
After an 8 am meeting today with the Hospice Ethics Committee, a kind and compassionate group of doctors, nurses, chaplains, social workers and ,of course, Morgan, our dearly loved hospice case manager, I walked back to Neil's room. He was sleeping peacefully. I loaded the CD player with his favorite operas, kissed him and came home to wait for hospice to pick up his hospital bed, oxygen tank etc.
I met with the ethics committee because of my request for palliative sedation for Neil. This is something hospice takes very seriously, but Joel and Marla and I feel, this is in his best interest. It is what I would want for myself, if this were me.. He mentioned several months ago that he would want sedation should he become mentally incapciated. . He has fewer and fewer moments of lucidity now. A man of intelligence, wit and humor, he would not want to live this way. The ethics committee is must understandable tread carefully and they are uncomfortable with unsing palliative sedation. It is akin to euthanasia because it renders one unconscious and issues of legality arise. I am comfortable with the next best thing they can offer... a morphine drip that can be increased as needed and possibly phenobarbital if there is further distress or discomfort.
What I am seeking is an end to his mental/psychic anguish and physical pain. Food and drink will no longer be required, and he will sleep most of the time. I will continue to sleep on the sofa bed in his room to monitor him and be there should he wake up.
Neil was relieved when he thought he would die of a heart attack. He dreaded suffering the ravages of ALS. The thought of not being able to communicate would be the ultimate blow to him, a communicator, a talker, a laugher, a story teller.
I am soul weary. We have been sitting shiva together for nearly 4 months.. I think he rather enjoyed much of it. His 68th birthday was just 5 wks ago. He wanted a celebration, but without a cake or candles....just 8 friends who would come and make him laugh. And that they did with fun and flair.. As we ate pie and ice cream we laughed at the costumes and the jokes. . As one guest said, "The love in the room was palpable." The pictures are on facebook, just type in Rudin Family Giggle Fund to view them.
We have had an amazing summer in Sarasota. It was a gift, a time filled with incredible sweetness and tenderness. Visitors from in and out of town, our very own milkshake and mandel bread brigade. When Neil mentioned a food he was craving.. ie beef stew, steak,chicken soup with matzah balls, before we knew it, it appeared at our door.
Neil said he was lucky because he experienced love. He gave and received it generously. He often said that the 12 years after his heart attack (which he called his first death) were the most gratifying years of his life. During that time he saw Joel and Marla marry, he witnessed the birth of 4 beautiful grandchildren, and he engaged in meaningful volunteer work. Also during that time, we moved to sarasota and met an interesting array of people. Neil formed a men's laughing/discussion group that met every Friday, he published a book and started a charitable fund for the children of hospice
It has been a good life, a sweet life ,although too short. what he lost in quatity, he made up for in quality.
As I write I think of the thousands of others who suffer with illness. Many who do it with less love/support
than we have had. My heart goes out to them.
As we traveled this ALS journey, we have met amazing people and deepened friendships. We have been the reecipents of loving kindness from doctors, nurses, health care workers. There are people who I know are uncomfortable being around sickness, but who still came because they love Neil and were able to put their own discomfort aside to comfort him. We had so many more offers to visit than we could possibly accept,but are grateful for them nonetheless. I will forever be grateful to hospice for taking such good care of us.
I enter our our condo, a home now devoid of his precense, yet filled wtih it. I see him everywhere and it fills and comforts me.
What an impact he has had on me. He has been my moral compass. My guide into the world of Yiddish/Yiddishkeit, menschood. These gifts I will take with me where ever I go.
cheryl
After an 8 am meeting today with the Hospice Ethics Committee, a kind and compassionate group of doctors, nurses, chaplains, social workers and ,of course, Morgan, our dearly loved hospice case manager, I walked back to Neil's room. He was sleeping peacefully. I loaded the CD player with his favorite operas, kissed him and came home to wait for hospice to pick up his hospital bed, oxygen tank etc.
I met with the ethics committee because of my request for palliative sedation for Neil. This is something hospice takes very seriously, but Joel and Marla and I feel, this is in his best interest. It is what I would want for myself, if this were me.. He mentioned several months ago that he would want sedation should he become mentally incapciated. . He has fewer and fewer moments of lucidity now. A man of intelligence, wit and humor, he would not want to live this way. The ethics committee is must understandable tread carefully and they are uncomfortable with unsing palliative sedation. It is akin to euthanasia because it renders one unconscious and issues of legality arise. I am comfortable with the next best thing they can offer... a morphine drip that can be increased as needed and possibly phenobarbital if there is further distress or discomfort.
What I am seeking is an end to his mental/psychic anguish and physical pain. Food and drink will no longer be required, and he will sleep most of the time. I will continue to sleep on the sofa bed in his room to monitor him and be there should he wake up.
Neil was relieved when he thought he would die of a heart attack. He dreaded suffering the ravages of ALS. The thought of not being able to communicate would be the ultimate blow to him, a communicator, a talker, a laugher, a story teller.
I am soul weary. We have been sitting shiva together for nearly 4 months.. I think he rather enjoyed much of it. His 68th birthday was just 5 wks ago. He wanted a celebration, but without a cake or candles....just 8 friends who would come and make him laugh. And that they did with fun and flair.. As we ate pie and ice cream we laughed at the costumes and the jokes. . As one guest said, "The love in the room was palpable." The pictures are on facebook, just type in Rudin Family Giggle Fund to view them.
We have had an amazing summer in Sarasota. It was a gift, a time filled with incredible sweetness and tenderness. Visitors from in and out of town, our very own milkshake and mandel bread brigade. When Neil mentioned a food he was craving.. ie beef stew, steak,chicken soup with matzah balls, before we knew it, it appeared at our door.
Neil said he was lucky because he experienced love. He gave and received it generously. He often said that the 12 years after his heart attack (which he called his first death) were the most gratifying years of his life. During that time he saw Joel and Marla marry, he witnessed the birth of 4 beautiful grandchildren, and he engaged in meaningful volunteer work. Also during that time, we moved to sarasota and met an interesting array of people. Neil formed a men's laughing/discussion group that met every Friday, he published a book and started a charitable fund for the children of hospice
It has been a good life, a sweet life ,although too short. what he lost in quatity, he made up for in quality.
As I write I think of the thousands of others who suffer with illness. Many who do it with less love/support
than we have had. My heart goes out to them.
As we traveled this ALS journey, we have met amazing people and deepened friendships. We have been the reecipents of loving kindness from doctors, nurses, health care workers. There are people who I know are uncomfortable being around sickness, but who still came because they love Neil and were able to put their own discomfort aside to comfort him. We had so many more offers to visit than we could possibly accept,but are grateful for them nonetheless. I will forever be grateful to hospice for taking such good care of us.
I enter our our condo, a home now devoid of his precense, yet filled wtih it. I see him everywhere and it fills and comforts me.
What an impact he has had on me. He has been my moral compass. My guide into the world of Yiddish/Yiddishkeit, menschood. These gifts I will take with me where ever I go.
cheryl
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