The Days of Awe are upon us. I shiver in expectation of what they will bring. In spite of my fear I am grateful and, I am in awe of Neil's creativity and concern for me and others as he travels this path. I know he does not want to leave me. A few days ago he said "I am so hungry for life, for the beach, for feeling the wind and the sun on my face". I will never go to the beach again without hearing his words or feeling his presence.
Thursday he had a wonderful day. A massage and a visit from his dear friend John Lindell,with whom
he shares a love of Kakfa, and with whom he always has good conversations. At bedtime he said "I had a such a nice day."
Friday hospice had to come because he had a blockage. As Morgan, our most loved hospice nurse, began the process of unblocking his obstruction, he asked for an opera. I put Opera's Greatest Hits on the CD player", which I will now always think of as music to have an enema by. I don't know many people who giggle during this procedure, but laughter mixed with a few yelps is what I heard as I closed the door.
September 18 is Neil's 68th birthday. He made it very clear that since this will be his last birthday,
he does not want a birthday party. No cake, no candles, but he would not mind if people came over to make him laugh. Because our bedroom space is limited, we invited the essential core of our Sarasota support team with the challenge that they must do or bring something that will make him laugh.... a joke a poem, a costume. They all willingly accepted the challenge. I hope Neil will be up to to receiving it.
Since yesterday when they administered large doses of morphine to get this through the "unblocking" experience, he has not fully gained his momentum. He is sleeping most of the time and having conversations with people who are not here, but they are here for him and he is enjoying them. During the night he had a lovely chat with his brother in law, Ricchard Strausz, whom he adores. He also had a chat with Daisy the 5 foot 80 lb dog Marla and Mike gave away 6 years ago (Ben was allergic). He invited her to jump up into bed with him so he could pet her.
His heart beat is slow, low and irregular, he is in and out of consciousness but becomes alert every now and then to ask me if I remembered to buy pretty flowers for the table and to tell me to make sure to buy enough lox.
So we are planning a party with jokes as I watch Neil sleep and fade away. So typical of the way he has lived. his life.................. Live life up until the last minute. Grab as many laughs as you can.. Enjoy the company of good friends.. Set a beautiful table. Make sure to have more food than you need when you have company No one should leave hungry. Make sure to always have flowers on the table and to make attractively designed food platters.
As we enter the days of awe, Neil remains in awe of the wonder of his life, in awe of the wondrous gift of our children and grandchildren. He is in awe of the love he has received from family, relatives and friends from far and near. Bless all of you and thank you for your gift of friendship. We feel your love and it is a source of comfort and support to us. I dutifully read Neil all of your emails and he so enjoys them.
May the Days of Awe be filled with gratitude for your life's blessings and as you have blessed us with your kindness, may you be blessed.
Cheryl
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
September 2
We are living in a strange kind of limbo.... a place between life and death. In the past week we both noticed a significant slowing down... no appettite, more breathing problems, more time spent sleeping, less energy.
The only thing that remains the same is Neil's amazing spirit. He tells me that he feels lucky. Lucky to have lived the life he has lived. Lucky to have had the friends he has had. Lucky to have had the parents/grandparents and children and grandchildren he has. He looks at the world with his glass
half full, rathe than half empty. I am not sure how many people who have been in bed for 2 months would say they were lucky.
He tells me that he is getting chest pains, and says it is because it is bursting with the love he has received. The love can no longer be contained. We both know and are grateful for this love.
Until you are sick, it is hard to imagine the gift of a visit or a smile from a friend. We have been blessed by that, for sure. Thank you everyone.
At Neil's insistence we sold our wheelchair van today and bought a new car. He wanted to do this for me, so that he could "oversee" it . It was his wish that i have one less thing to deal with "afterwards".
Joel neogitiated the deal when he was here, and the car was delivered today. A bittersweet purchase. The van served us well and allowed Neil the freedom to get out. Another chapter of our life that is no more.
One of the many things that amazes me about Neil is that while sick, he continues to worry about me and about others. I did not realize when I married him that I was marrying someone who loves me more than he loves himself. I see that cleary now. So I am the lucky one.
For several months now, Neil has been lamenting the fact that so many children are stricken with disease. Neil thought about what he could do to bring sick children some laughter and cheer. He wanted to find a way to brighten their days and comfort them as he has been comforted.
If you know Neil, then you also know the role humor has played in his life.. He generates and enjoys a good joke or a funny story. Laughter he tells me is the most potent medicine he takes. To that end he came up with the idea of bringing laughter and fun to hopsice children who face a variety of life threatening illnesses.
This week The Rudin Family Giggle Fund became a reality in conjunction with hospice. The intention of the fund, which will support children enrolled in the Essential Care Program of hospice will be to brighten the days of pediatric patients by covering the costs of celebratory events, entertainment and such activities that will bring joy to sick/economically needy children and their families. Hospice currently serves 25 families enrolled in this program, but there are 50 families on the waiting list to be helped. It is his hope that we will be able to help expand the fund to include them.
Should you wish to support this fund the address is:
Hospice Foundation of WNY (Rudin Family Giggle Fund)
225 Como Park Blvd, Cheektowaga, NY 14227.
Neil is excited about being here to see this happen. It is important to him to
leave a footprint of kindness on the universe.
Cheryl
The only thing that remains the same is Neil's amazing spirit. He tells me that he feels lucky. Lucky to have lived the life he has lived. Lucky to have had the friends he has had. Lucky to have had the parents/grandparents and children and grandchildren he has. He looks at the world with his glass
half full, rathe than half empty. I am not sure how many people who have been in bed for 2 months would say they were lucky.
He tells me that he is getting chest pains, and says it is because it is bursting with the love he has received. The love can no longer be contained. We both know and are grateful for this love.
Until you are sick, it is hard to imagine the gift of a visit or a smile from a friend. We have been blessed by that, for sure. Thank you everyone.
At Neil's insistence we sold our wheelchair van today and bought a new car. He wanted to do this for me, so that he could "oversee" it . It was his wish that i have one less thing to deal with "afterwards".
Joel neogitiated the deal when he was here, and the car was delivered today. A bittersweet purchase. The van served us well and allowed Neil the freedom to get out. Another chapter of our life that is no more.
One of the many things that amazes me about Neil is that while sick, he continues to worry about me and about others. I did not realize when I married him that I was marrying someone who loves me more than he loves himself. I see that cleary now. So I am the lucky one.
For several months now, Neil has been lamenting the fact that so many children are stricken with disease. Neil thought about what he could do to bring sick children some laughter and cheer. He wanted to find a way to brighten their days and comfort them as he has been comforted.
If you know Neil, then you also know the role humor has played in his life.. He generates and enjoys a good joke or a funny story. Laughter he tells me is the most potent medicine he takes. To that end he came up with the idea of bringing laughter and fun to hopsice children who face a variety of life threatening illnesses.
This week The Rudin Family Giggle Fund became a reality in conjunction with hospice. The intention of the fund, which will support children enrolled in the Essential Care Program of hospice will be to brighten the days of pediatric patients by covering the costs of celebratory events, entertainment and such activities that will bring joy to sick/economically needy children and their families. Hospice currently serves 25 families enrolled in this program, but there are 50 families on the waiting list to be helped. It is his hope that we will be able to help expand the fund to include them.
Should you wish to support this fund the address is:
Hospice Foundation of WNY (Rudin Family Giggle Fund)
225 Como Park Blvd, Cheektowaga, NY 14227.
Neil is excited about being here to see this happen. It is important to him to
leave a footprint of kindness on the universe.
Cheryl
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